3 ways to kindle sexual energy in your marriage

3 ways to kindle sexual energy

It’s 9:00 p.m. on a Friday night.

It’s been a long week filled with cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, mommying (probably not a word, but you know what I mean), working, shopping, etc….

Thank goodness it’s Friday!

But, wait. . . I see that look in my husband’s eyes.

He’s ready for sexy time.

“Oh no,” I think, “I am so tired.”  How am I going to pull off sexy time? 

Thoughts of kicking up my feet and watching Sleeping With Other People  for the hundredth time pulls at my soul.

But, then the word “connection” rolls thru my mind.

Sex with my husband = connection.  

Do I want to maintain connection?  


Now is the time to roll up my proverbial sleeves and say “yes” even when I don’t want to.

This is not a one time occurrence.

It is not unusual to end the day and find myself too tired for a sweat session with my hubby.

But, sometimes, sex and the well being of my marriage must take priority over my aching feet and the latest news from Last Week Tonight With John Oliver.

Because of that, over the last several years, I have searched for and discovered some essential ways to help kindle the sexual energy in my marriage, even when my head is telling me that it would rather cozy up to a glass of wine and a binge session of Queer Eye on Netflix.

Maintaining a happy and healthy sex life is important to me and my marriage, so I put down the remote and focus on my husband.

Here are 3 ways to kindle sexual energy in your marriage.

Way #1: Sexy Thoughts

One thing I have come to understand is that for most women, sex starts with the mind.

Which means, if we want to improve our sex life than we need to take care of ourselves mentally and take charge of our thoughts.

Now I’m being general here, so this isn’t true for everyone but for men arousal tends to come easier than it does for women. Men may get aroused at the thought of having sex or even simply at the sight of their spouse crossing the room.

That’s how it is for my husband.  For him, thoughts of sex come easy and are ever present.

For me?  Not the case.

The truth is for many women, arousal can be much more complicated.

It is often connected to a woman’s emotion as well as her environment. As women, our arousal stems from what is going on in our head.

That means the mind is often the most important player when it comes to enjoying sex.

So for me, taking care of myself mentally is a very important factor in me taking time for and enjoying sex. It is clear that when I have a lot on my mind, when I am really stressed or worried, sex is not going to be happening.

Because a healthy sex life is important to me, understanding this about myself has taught me to be proactive when it comes to sex.  It has taught me to figure out some strategies to help me relax and get my thoughts in the right place.

For me, that looks like making sure the kids are taken care of, lighting some candles, playing a romantic playlist, taking deep breaths for a few minutes, or watching something sexy.

Understand that you and your spouse are different. 

And that is absolutely OK!.

What works for your spouse may not work for you.  What turns you on my not turn on your spouse.

So, get to know what works for you.

Then, take charge and do whatever it takes to help you transition your thoughts from what is on your to do list or how much laundry has piled up, to thoughts of relaxation.

Taking control of our thoughts makes it endlessly it easier to find the spark.

Way #2:Dirty Talk

What I mean by this is talk about sex.


I have met so many people who share with me that they are uncomfortable talking about sex with their partner.

Guess what?

If you don’t talk about it, your sex life will never be able to reach it’s full potential.

Developing healthy and open communication with regards to sex is a vital component of a truly healthy and happy intimate relationship.

Be willing to brave vulnerability so that you can each get to know the others needs, wants, desires, and boundaries in an authentic and loving way.

Be willing to “go there” when it comes to talk about sex.

The thing is, sex is extremely personal right?

It’s probably the most personal and often uncomfortable thing for many of us to talk about. Even to our own partners.

But, I truly believe that the path to true intimacy and a turbo charged sex life is learning to talk about sex and talking about it often.

What works for my husband, usually never works for me. And what works for me, might feel completely unnecessary to my husband.

In order to understand that about each other and find a middle ground, we have to talk about sex.

We have to be transparent and share with each other what we like and don’t like. What feels good and doesn’t. We have to talk about what turns us on and what doesn’t.

We have to be willing to brave the uncomfortable.

When you are feeling too tired, talk about it!

When something doesn’t feel good, talk about it!

When something does feel good, talk about it!

If you want more sex, talk about it!

If your desire level is low, talk about it!

The truth is,  the more my husband and I talk about it, the better we get at it.

Guess what?   I am a very shy person. Talking about sex does not come easy for me.

It’s true!

If you are like me and struggle to talk about sex, one thing I have found to be really helpful is asking each other fun questions.

Check out these 20 Date Night Questions: Sexy Edition to help you get the conversation started.

This is a really fun and easy and relaxed way to open up lines of communication about sex.

Way #3: Passionate Play

Choose joy and adventure in the bedroom.

Be open to trying new things that are in both your comfort zones. Play sexy games, experiment with toys, try new positions or places.

My husband and I used to fight a lot about sex. We really struggled to find common ground with it. And, the more we fought abut it, the harder it was for me to find desire for sex.

One of the things that helped us get thru this challenging time was to begin to find ways to lighten things up and not take it all so seriously.

We did this was by beginning to incorporate adventure and play into the bedroom.

Finding ways to incorporate play into the bedroom is a game changer.

Play allows you to shut out the world, let go of what’s filling your thoughts and just have fun. And, of course, if your thoughts are in the right place, getting turned on is so much easier.

Some ways my husband and I incorporate adventure and play is by trying new positions or places.  Not only is this sexy, but it can lead to some hilarious moments.

We have also learned to take normal games and turn them into sexy games. One of our favorites is strip blackjack.

We play kissing games that kick up the heat too.  Check out the article 7 Steamy Kissing Games For Couples for some steamy ideas.

Often times, we feel sex is such a taboo subject. We feel shy and embarrassed to try new things.

I get it.  I feel that way too.

But, sometimes, stepping out of our comfort zone can lead us to growth and pleasure that we never knew was possible.

Step out of the usual and into adventure.  

Of course, you both need to be comfortable with giving the newness a try.  If not, talk about what you would be comfortable with. Explore your boundaries together.

Ladies, finding desire for sex can be hard.

And we can be honest with each other and admit that sometimes catching up on the latest drama on American Idol sounds much more appealing.

It’s ok.  We have all been there. 

The important thing to remember is that, if you are longing to improve the sexual energy in your marriage, then American Idol and Queer Eye are just gonna have to wait.

Connection with your spouse must be on the agenda first.















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2 thoughts on “3 ways to kindle sexual energy in your marriage

  1. yes we agree trying new things adds excitement, sometimes even adding a third partner to really light some fires. Requires trust and respect from all three.

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