Introvert VS Extrovert In Marriage

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Joel and I are high school sweethearts. We have actually been a couple since we were in the 10th grade. 

Man, that makes me feel old.

In fact, we were on a dance team together.   We loved being on the team together and had such fun performing on stage.  

We performed many dances together, from big group numbers to solos. But, our favorites were the duets that we got to perform with just the two of us.

One of the first numbers we ever performed together on stage was to Paula Abdul’s Opposites Attract.   If only we had known then how truly apropos that song was going to be to our relationship over the next several decades.

He and I are truly opposites.   In more ways than I can count.

But, one of the ways that we are most opposite is how we are introvert vs extrovert.

So, today we are tackling the topic of introverts vs extroverts. We will focus on what is introversion and extroversion, what challenges each can pose, and how to support your introvert or extrovert spouse.

Like to listen rather than read, check out Introverts VS Extroverts on The Married And Naked Podcast here. Are you a visual learner?  Then read on!

As you can see, this is an extremely relevant conversation for Joel and me because Joel is an extrovert and I am an introvert.

Even during our high school days, we knew that we were totally different; Joel was always the one with a big, loud personality and I was quiet and soft-spoken.

What we have learned over the years is that our differences pose a lot of bonuses in our relationship, but they also pose a lot of challenges for us.

Living in A World That Celebrates Extroverts

I have always known I was introverted.  

Living in a world that celebrates the extrovert made me believe that my introversion was a personality flaw.  I saw it as a fault.

Extroverts tend to be celebrated more in our world. Those who speak out, who are the life of the party, who thrive in the spotlight, who are the class clowns, who draw people to them; those kinds of personality traits are admired.

As a young girl, I wondered: “Why can’t I be more like other people? Why can’t I be energetic? Why can’t I be the life of the party?”

I saw my introversion as a defect.  That is until I listened to an audiobook called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain.

That book changed my life in many, many ways.

It helped me truly and fundamentally understand the difference between an introvert and an extrovert.

But, the most powerful thing it did was to help me find an appreciation for myself.  

I went from seeing my introversion as a fault, to seeing it as a gift.

It taught me that there is nothing wrong with me.  I am normal.  He is normal. And each of our differences is a gift to the other.

Introvert VS Extrovert Differences

• One of the most significant differences between extroverts and introverts is how they gain their energy.
• Introverts get their energy from spending time alone; from peace and quiet. They get their energy from within themselves.
• Extroverts, on the other hand, get their energy from the outside world. They gain their energy from social activity. 
• Another difference between introverts and extroverts is how they handle tasks. An extrovert tends to be more willing to jump from task to task, whereas an introvert might more enjoy diving deep into one task.
• Extroverts seek activity.  They like action.   Whereas introverts tend to seek peace and calmness.
  
• Extroverts crave interaction with others. They might appreciate jobs where they can assert themselves and work with others.  
• An introvert, on the other hand, tends to appreciate independence.   They might seek jobs that are more solitary in nature.

As you can imagine, having two people who are so opposite in a relationship can pose all kinds of challenges.

Challenges Caused By Our Introvert vs Extrovert Differences

Joel and I have worked very hard to understand the differences between him and me.

But our differences do pose a lot of challenges in our relationship.

Some of our differences are:

• Our energy levels. Joel has a ton of it and I do not.
• I need space and he needs interaction.
• He seeks attention and I avoid it altogether.
• He is a big picture person and I like to focus and understand the process.

Those are just some of our many differences.   It has taken us a lot of time and hard work, but over the years we have been able to find an appreciation and acceptance of our differences. 

The truth is that without the things that are frustrating about our partners, we wouldn’t have the qualities that we love so much about each other.

Joel helps me find energy. He helps me get moving when I want to stay still.  He helps me see the world in new and exciting ways.  For that, I am so grateful.

In return, I have taught Joel how to enjoy relaxing and the value of taking time just to be still.  I have shown him the beauty in moments of peace and stillness.

How to support your introvert vs extrovert spouse?

Here are some of the things we have learned about how to support your introvert or extrovert spouse.

For your extrovert spouse: 

• Encourage them to meet with friends.  Help them prioritize social activities.  It will help them feel more energized and connected to their world.
• Encourage them to get moving.  Physical exercise, especially in a team setting, can be a big proponent for overall wellness for the extrovert.
• Do active things with them.  Take walks together or go shopping together.  Go to social gatherings with them.   Help them feel supported in their need to interact with their outside world.
• Intentionally give them the attention that they crave and help them feel in the center of your world from time to time. 

For your introvert spouse:

• Give them space and don’t take it personally.  It is necessary for their overall feeling of balance and happiness.
• Give them time and space to relax after events or time with people.  They will need some time to re-energize after social events. 
• Allow time for relaxation.  Don’t fill the calendar with too many social plans. Find a balance that works for both of you.
• Encourage them to prioritize self-care.   The outside world can be very draining to the introvert and they can quickly feel overwhelmed.  It is helpful to make sure that they are taking the time and the space needed to care for themselves with calming and stress-reducing activities. 

Marriage is hard. 

Navigating your differences is hard and can sometimes feel downright impossible.

The true work of marriage is to find an understanding and acceptance for each other despite those differences.  And to not to try to change each other but to accept without judgment.

So, do the work. It’s hard work.  But it is vital work for a healthy and happy relationship.

Appreciate and accept your differences!  Your marriage will thank you for it!

By the way, maybe you don’t even know if you’re an introvert or extrovert.  If you want to find out more about yourself, you can take this fun 10 question quiz and it’ll tell you whether or not you lean more towards an introvert or an extrovert.