Dear Wife With A Low Sex Drive

I often get messages from people looking for advice about their sex life.

I recently received a message from one such woman. 

And, felt compelled to share this one with you, because I know so many of us can relate.

She said, “My husband seems to desire sex all the time.  I feel bad that I just don’t desire sex that often. Is there something wrong with me?”

To the woman who wrote that, this is for you and for everyone else who can relate.

Dear Wife With A Low Sex Drive,

First of all let me say this, you are not alone.

I can’t even begin to tell you how I can relate to your concern.

You ask, “Is there something wrong with me?”

My guess, probably not.

However, before I go further, it is important to note that there are several medical conditions and/or medications, including birth control, that can lead to low sex drive.

And occurrences of a shift in hormones, such as menopause, can often be the culprit as well.

It is always a good idea to address your concerns with your doctor to rule out any medical intervention needed.

With that said, it is worth understanding that one recent study showed that nearly one-third of women between the ages of 18-59 experienced low sexual desire.

No, you are not alone.  Other’s feel as you do.

I have been there too.

When my husband and I were young we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.  We were a passionate young couple with seemingly endless desire.

But, the truth is, as time has gone on, my overall desire level has dropped while my husbands has remained much the same.

Sometimes my desire dropped off dramatically and for extended periods of time. 

There were times I was embarrassed and worried.

There were years that I felt incredibly guilty over my lack of desire.

I thought there was something wrong with me too. 

But, guess what?

There wasn’t!

And, over the years, I have learned some very important lessons that have been game changers for me and my marriage. I want to share those with you.

To the wife with the low sex drive I want to tell you five things:

1. What you are experiencing is normal.

It is completely normal for two people to have different desire levels. No two people are alike.

And, it is important to note that, a lower sex drive is only a problem if it is actually a problem.  

There is no gold standard as to how much sex is the right amount.

If you and your spouse are working it out and you are both feeling satisfied in your marriage, that is all that matters.

Don’t let tv or comparisons to other couples make you feel that you should be having more sex.  

The only ones that can determine what is right for your marriage are you and your spouse.

2. Lack of Desire Often Stems From Stressors

A woman’s sexual desire is a delicate and sometimes complicated thing.  

In order for a woman to feel desire, it usually requires both her mind and body to be ready. 

My husband and I joke about this all the time but it is so true.

For me to feel in the mood I may need:

• a glass of wine
• the kids to be asleep
• the music just the right volume
• 30 minutes of alone time to decompress from the day
• the room at the right temperature  
• All the stresses from the day out of my head.

And sometimes the list goes on.

I know some of you ladies are nodding your head right now. You get it. 

So much of a woman’s desire starts in her head first.  

If you are feeling stressed from work, tired from the kids, disconnected from your spouse, you may find it very difficult to find an ounce of desire.

There is an endless list of things that can get in the way of allowing a woman to feel in the mood.

What is really important, is that you take the time to grasp an understanding of yourself and what works for you.

Yes, it is sometimes a lengthy process to put me in the mood, but I understand and accept that about myself.  

My husband and I are different.  And that is ok.  There is nothing to feel bad or guilty about.

It’s not as easy for me to slip into the mood for sex as it is for him.

But, that’s ok. 

Take time to really figure out what works and doesn’t work for you.   

The more you understand and accept what works for you, the better able you are to set yourself up to be in the mood when you want to.

3. Self Care Is Crucial

Because we require both our minds and bodies to feel optimal for desiring sex, that means we need to take care of ourselves.

Want more sex?  Put yourself at the top of the priority list.

That means, make sure all medical conditions are ruled out.

That means eating foods that make your body feel healthy.

It means getting your body moving.  

It means finding strategies to lower your stress levels like meditation, reading a book, or talking walks.

If you want to feel more desire in your life then you must take care of yourself.  

I am feeling my sexiest after a day where I’ve rested, I’ve exercised and I’ve fueled my body with healthy foods.

Putting your own self-care at the top of the list is a game changer in a marriage. 

4. Communication Is Key

Growing up, sex was not something that was talked about in my family.   It was taboo.

After getting married, I quickly learned that in order for us to both have the sex life we truly desired, then we had to talk about it.

A Lot!

Being willing to be vulnerable with your spouse and talk about sex is truly vital.

The only way to get better at sex is to talk about it.

The only way to truly get your needs met is to talk about it. 

I encourage you to talk about everything; what turns you on, what doesn’t, past sexual experiences that may have been traumatic, stress, expectations, needs, and fantasies.

You name it, talk about it.

My husband and I, after many years of practice, have developed a relationship where we can speak very openly and frankly about our sex lives.  

Because of that, we have learned so much about each other. And it has helped us come to an understanding and acceptance of our sexual differences.

As a result, everything about our sex life has improved.  Including my desire levels.

Being able to talk about personal things creates a sense of intimacy, which is a key ingredient to a healthy and happy sex life.

5. Be Open-minded To Try New Things

Sometimes us humans get very set in our ways of thinking.

We can become rigid in our beliefs about how things should or shouldn’t be and we have a hard time stepping outside of the box.

Here’s my suggestion, when it comes to sex, have an open mind to trying new things.

Of course, these things need only be tried after discussing them with your partner.  

Both of you need to feel safe and open to the experience. 

But, here’s the truth;

Changing things up a bit can be very exciting and can help increase desire.

Some ideas for lighting the spark;

• trying new positions
• reading something sexy together or watching a sexy movie
• role play
• trying a new toy
• playing sexy date night games,
• renting a hotel room for the night, etc. . .

The list goes on.

Want to try some sexy date night games check out this post.

To the wife with the low sex drive, don’t worry.

It’s going to be ok.  

I have been there too and I have found my way.

Here is what is important to remember; if your lack of sex drive is causing problems in your marriage, there are things that can be done to help improve the spark in your sex drive.

At some point, we will all have a lull in our desire levels. That’s ok.

No need to feel bad about that.

What’s most important is to ask this question, “Is the lull in my desire level causing problems in my marriage?”

If the answer is yes, take note: A marriage lacking connection is a marriage already in or threatening to enter the danger zone.

If that is where you are at then it is time to take back control. Don’t wait.

It is time to try new tactics or reach out for help.

There are endless resources that can help.

Most importantly know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  

I have been there.

I hear you.

We all hear you.

And there is hope.

Tammy

P.S. Don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any thoughts on this subject.  I welcome your thoughts and comments.