Dear Husband, I’m Sorry I Lost My S@#&!

Dear husband - married and naked

Happy New Year!

I am so happy that 2018 is here.  I just spent the last few days focusing on what I want to accomplish this year.

And, trust me when I say the list is long.

But, before I commence in all the awesome things Married and Naked has in store in 2018 there is something I wanted to say first.

So here it is:

Dear Husband;

I’m sorry I lost my S?#@ (excuse my French)over the holidays.

I’m sorry you had to deal with a crazy, sad, unstable person for the last two months.

I never thought I would be one of those people that equated the holidays with sorrow, but I am now one of those people.

The holidays bring sadness.

I have unwillingly joined that club.

Daddy died two years ago.  Just 10 days after Christmas.

I never knew what grief was like.   I didn’t understand the pain.  What it felt like.

Now I do.

I understand all too well.

This was only our second Christmas without him.  God, it hurt.

But, it’s not just Christmas.  The emotional roller coaster kicks in on Halloween.  

I remember him at our house every October 31st, dressed in some wild costume with ridiculous makeup that he did himself.

The massive gaping hole in our family becomes all to visible during the family rituals.

He was a part of everything.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him.  That I don’t miss him.  

At the kid’s awards assemblies or recitals.  At football games and Father’s Day.  Dying Easter eggs or picking pumpkins.  Every time I go to his house or walk by his room.  Every time I pass his picture.

But, it is the holidays and annual traditions, where the loss feels unbearable.

Those who have lost understand this.

So, it’s true.  I kinda lose it over those two months.  I become unrecognizable to even myself.  

Crying for no apparent reason. 

Stressing over the smallest things. 

Dreading the moments that used to bring such joy.

I apologize to you constantly for being a raving lunatic. I try to hide my sadness.

But you know.

You tell me not to hide it.  To embrace it.  To feel it without shame.

Thru the craziness, you are there.  You wait patiently.

You know that I will feel differently after January 5th.  That is the day he died. That is the day, above all others, that brings the most dread. That is the day that brings forth the hardest memories and the most heartache.

And, once that day passes, you begin to see a return of the woman you love.

Once that day passes, the fog in my eyes begins to clear and the oppressive weight on my chest starts to lift enough to let me breathe.

I’m sorry I put you thru that.  I’m sorry I lose it.

When we vowed, “for better or worse” we didn’t really know what that meant.  But, we have certainly learned the meaning in recent years.

Thank goodness we have worked so hard on our marriage.  I believe the strong foundation that we built has helped us get thru.  

I just want to say thank you.  Thank You for being there. For being my shoulder.  For understanding. For not judging.  For holding my hand. For loving me anyway.

How grateful I am for your strength. For your kindness thru the pain.

I am forever indebted to you.

With all the love my heart can hold,

Tam

Now that I have said what I needed to say, it is time to move forward and embrace the New Year for all of it’s possibilities.

Goal number one?  Helping you achieve the Ultimate Marriage!

Let’s do this!

Tammy

Married and Naked

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5 thoughts on “Dear Husband, I’m Sorry I Lost My S@#&!

  1. Oh, Girl! I feel your pain, grief and sadness. Bless you and your hubby! I have an amazing guy who also needs a letter like this! Blessings!

  2. I have a quick question. I write letters like this to my husband all the time. I thank him for letting me be me. I thank him for allowing me to feel my feelings. I thank him for putting up with it. I love my husband, I truly do. I couldn’t ask for a better partner. But, sometimes, he goes through times when I have to deal with his crap and I don’t get long notes with an explanation as to why I had to deal with a moody husband. I just don’t get why I’m always saying sorry yet I don’t get the same heartfelt notes in return. Do any of you? Honestly just wondering!!

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