My husband and I were terrible at communication.

Good communication skills are a difficult thing to learn. It is not something that we are taught in school.

Wouldn’t it have been helpful, when we were young, to have learned techniques in communicating your feelings? In conflict resolution? In effective communication?

But, rather than learning it in school, we are thrust out into the real world and into grown up relationships, without experience, and forced to learn as we go.

And, for much of our marriage, my husband and I were not good students.

We fought in circles, we didn’t feel heard or understood by each other. We were terrible at resolving our conflicts.

It got so bad, we both began to have thoughts toward divorce.

At that moment we had a choice.  We could fight for our marriage, or we could let it go.

Both choices seemed impossibly difficult.

But, we decided to fight.

It has been a very long and difficult road, but over the past few years we have made massive strides.

Now we can talk in a way that our feelings, sometimes really difficult feelings, are shared, messages are heard, and understanding is given.

And, though we still have so much to learn, there are some things that we practice in our relationship that help us communicate effectively, honestly and nakedly with each other.

Here are 5 steps, we have discovered, to better communication with your spouse:

  1. Listen, Really Listen

One of the quickest ways to an argument in my relationship, is when one of us are not listening to the other. Whether it be because we are distracted, or because we simply don’t want to hear it.

But, don’t we all want to feel heard?

Practice being a good listener.  Make eye contact, minimize distractions and be quiet and listen.  Try not to jump in with your thoughts and opinions. 

Hear what your spouse has to say.  What they have to say is important.  It may not seem important to you, but it is to them.

Be sure that your spouse feels heard.

2. Repeat It

I remember in psychology class that I learned the technique of reflective listening.  This is when you listen to what someone is saying and repeat back to them what you have heard.

It sounds really redundant, but let me tell you, it is invaluable in a marriage.

I can’t tell you how many times that I have tried to express how I feel about something and my husband completely misunderstands what I said.

When it gets to this point in a discussion, we remember reflective listening.  He might say, “So, what I understand you have said is . . . ” and then repeat back what he heard me say.

Countless times, I have heard him wrong or misinterpreted what he was saying and vice versa.

When having an important conversation, practice reflective listening to ensure that you are hearing your spouse’s feelings correctly.  It shows great empathy and understanding and will improve communication greatly.

3. Accountability

I have to be honest.  This one step has become the most important step in communication within my marriage. It is the idea that you are responsible for your own actions and words and you are not pointing fingers.

It is much like using “I messages,” another term from psychology class.

Too bad when I took the psychology class they didn’t say, “Hey, remember these techniques when you get married. You’re gonna need them.” Instead it took me 15 years to realize the power of accountability in marriage.

Use the words “I feel” rather than “You make me feel” as an example.  Start a sentence with “you” and you will immediately put your spouse on the defensive.  Always communicate from a place of accountability rather than blame.

4. Lay Down Those Defenses

My first response when Husband says something that I don’t want to hear or that I’ve misunderstood,  my defenses fly up immediately to protect me.

But do they really protect me?

Not in this situation.

Please hear this. . .

It is impossible to have a real conversation with anyone when your defenses are up. 

Once those defenses are up, conversation has turned negative.  Nothing productive can happen from there.

Though it may be incredibly difficult to do, lay those defenses at your feet and be intentional in keeping them there.

5. Really Apologize

One thing that husband and I are always willing to do is to apologize when we feel we have done something wrong.  That simple thing has served our marriage well.

Always be willing to apologize.  And, more importantly, make sure that your apology is real.  That it is from the heart.  A half-hearted apology can be felt and will not be appreciated.

It’s simple. . .  if you did something wrong or hurtful, say you’re sorry and mean it.

Learning how to communicate well with my husband is a continuous work in progress.   But, as long as I continue to communicate openly, honestly and with compassion and vulnerability then we will be ok.

No relationship is perfect.  No couple communicates perfectly.

But, a healthy marriage is one where there is continuous effort toward improvement.

 

Tammy

Married and Naked

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