I recently got an anonymous comment from a woman that said the biggest challenge in her marriage was, “Not feeling in love. I love my husband but I don’t feel in love. Shouldn’t I?”
To the woman who wrote that, this is for you and for everyone else who can relate.
Dear Wife Who Is Not In Love With Her Husband,
You are not alone. I have been there to.
I hear the guilt in your words, in your question.
Little girls grow up fantasizing about what marriage will be like. In the movies and books we are shown images of romantic courting, of beautiful proposals, of stunning weddings.
We imagine a blissful happily ever after.
On your wedding day you envision being “in love” for the rest of your life. You imagine that the mystery, the butterflies, the elation, the desire, the feeling of “falling” will never go away.
But here is the reality;
All married couples have a natural ebb and flow of connection.
How do I know? I’ve been there!
There are times when my husband and I are extremely connected. Where I get that sense of intense emotion and giddiness like I did in the early days.
But, there have also been long periods of time when I didn’t feel in love. When we were distant and disconnected and it felt like being “in love” was a memory of my past. In those times I worried about the future of our relationship.
I get it. There were many times where I questioned the same thing you did.
I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel in love. I thought that feeling would last forever.
But, the reality is, we all go thru times of feeling this way.
Want to know why?
It often comes down to a switch in priorities. Life takes over. Priorities shift. The person who used to be number one on the list has shifted down the list below work, kids, homework, family, friends, finances, etc. . .
So many other things take priority over our marriages that overtime we may start to feel more like roommates than lovers.
To the wife who is not in love with her husband, I want to tell you 4 things:
- What you are feeling is totally normal. It is nothing to feel bad about. It is just a part of the natural cycle of marriage.
- You can fall in love again with your husband. I know this for a fact.
- Falling in love again with your husband will be different than the first time you fell in love with him. When you first fall in love, it is very much a feeling of it being out of your control. Hence the term “falling.” But, the subsequent times that you fall in love with your spouse will be more intentional.
- To fall in love again, you must put your marriage back up to the top of the list. You must love with intention and the feeling of being in love will show up again.
I love my husband. I have always loved him. But, a few years ago, I did not feel in love. We were struggling. We weren’t connected. I was questioning our happy ever after.
Want to know what made me fall in love again?
A direct intention to put my marriage first. A direct intention to create a better relationship.
Now, we intentionally create alone time. We intentionally take trips together. We are intentional in improving our communication. We are intentional in touching throughout the day. We are intentional in showing appreciation. We are intentionally accountable in our actions.
Though I currently feel very much in love with my husband, I do understand that it it won’t always feel this way. There will be times in our future where I will not feel “in love”. Where things will feel stagnant and unexciting.
But, now I understand that lack of feeling “in love” can happen for many reasons, but most often it stems from a loss of connection. Kick up the intentional connection and things will begin to get back on track.
To the woman who is not in love with her husband;
Don’t worry. No need to feel guilty. It is going to be ok. I can relate to how you feel. I have been there to.
Experiencing times where you don’t feel “in love” is totally normal.
But, don’t let the disconnect carry on too long. Extended periods of disconnect can be harmful to the overall happiness and longevity of your relationship.
Take charge of your marriage. Believe it or not, you have the power to choose to be in love.
You have the power to create the marriage that you desire.
You still love your husband. That says a lot about your relationship.
With intention, you can feel “in love” again.
I have found that feeling over and over again. I believe you can too.
With much love and good wishes,
Married and Naked
P.S. Don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any thoughts on this subject. I welcome your thoughts and comments.