Dear Wife Who Is Not In Love With Her Husband

 

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I recently got an anonymous comment from a woman that said the biggest challenge in her marriage was, “Not feeling in love. I love my husband but I don’t feel in love.  Shouldn’t I?”

To the woman who wrote that, this is for you and for everyone else who can relate.

Dear Wife Who Is Not In Love With Her Husband,

You are not alone. I have been there to.

I hear the guilt in your words, in your question.

Little girls grow up fantasizing about  what marriage will be like.  In the movies and books we are shown images of romantic courting, of beautiful proposals, of stunning weddings.

We imagine a blissful happily ever after.

On your wedding day you envision being “in love” for the rest of your life.  You imagine that the mystery, the butterflies, the elation, the desire, the feeling of “falling” will never go away.

But here is the reality;

All married couples have a natural ebb and flow of connection.

How do I know?  I’ve been there!

There are times when my husband and I are extremely connected.  Where I get that sense of intense emotion and giddiness like I did in the early days.

But, there have also been long periods of time when I didn’t feel in love.  When we were distant and disconnected and it felt like being “in love” was a memory of my past.  In those times I worried about the future of our relationship.

I get it.  There were many times where I questioned the same thing you did. 

I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel in love.  I thought that feeling would last forever.

But, the reality is, we all go thru times of feeling this way. 

Want to know why?

It often comes down to a switch in priorities.  Life takes over.  Priorities shift.  The person who used to be number one on the list has shifted down the list below work, kids, homework, family, friends, finances, etc. . .

So many other things take priority over our marriages that overtime we may start to feel more like roommates than lovers.

To the wife who is not in love with her husband, I want to tell you 4 things:

  1. What you are feeling is totally normal. It is nothing to feel bad about.  It is just a part of the natural cycle of marriage.
  2. You can fall in love again with your husband.  I know this for a fact.
  3. Falling in love again with your husband will be different than the first time you fell in love with him.  When you first fall in love, it is very much a feeling of it being out of your control.  Hence the term “falling.”  But, the subsequent times that you fall in love with your spouse will be more intentional. 
  4. To fall in love again, you must put your marriage back up to the top of the list. You must love with intention and the feeling of being in love will show up again.

I love my husband.  I have always loved him. But, a few years ago, I did not feel in love.  We were struggling. We weren’t connected.  I was questioning our happy ever after.

Want to know what made me fall in love again?

Intention.

A direct intention to put my marriage first.  A direct intention to create a better relationship. 

Now, we intentionally create alone time.  We intentionally take trips together.  We are intentional in improving our communication.  We are intentional in touching throughout the day.  We are intentional in showing appreciation. We are intentionally accountable in our actions.

Intention.

Though I currently feel very much in love with my husband, I do understand that it it won’t always feel this way. There will be times in our future where I will not feel “in love”.  Where things will feel stagnant and unexciting.

But, now I understand that lack of feeling “in love” can happen for many reasons, but most often it stems from a loss of connection.   Kick up the intentional connection  and things will begin to get back on track.

To the woman who is not in love with her husband;

Don’t worry.  No need to feel guilty.  It is going to be ok.  I can relate to how you feel.  I have been there to.

Experiencing times where you don’t feel “in love” is totally normal.

But, don’t let the disconnect carry on too long.   Extended periods of disconnect can be harmful to the overall happiness and longevity of your relationship. 

Take charge of your marriage.  Believe it or not, you have the power to choose to be in love. 

You have the power to create the marriage that you desire.

You still love your husband.  That says a lot about your relationship.

With intention, you can feel “in love” again.

I have found that feeling over and over again.  I believe you can too.

With much love and good wishes,

Tammy

Married and Naked

P.S. Don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any thoughts on this subject.  I welcome your thoughts and comments.

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47 thoughts on “Dear Wife Who Is Not In Love With Her Husband

    1. Such great tip Forrest. We do so often forget to have fun as married couples. It’s such a basic thing but can have a huge impact in bringing back the spark in a relationship. Thank you so much for sharing!

  1. Thank you for this post! My husband and I have been married two years and have suffered so many medical problems (his and others in our families) that it drove a wedge into our marriage almost right at the beginning. I have wondered if I would ever feel in love with him again after all the heartache through his illness. This post has given me hope. So glad I found you. God Bless!

    1. You have touched my heart so deeply by taking a minute to comment. Thank you so much for that. I’m sorry for all the medical problems you are experiencing. I have a few of my own and I totally understand the toll that it can take on a relationship. There is always hope. I’m glad you found me too 🙂

  2. I’ve been married almost 25 years. We have 4 children (20,18,14,7). So many things have pushed their way into the forefront of “my priorities”, and my marriage has certainly suffered because of it. I believe you are right about being intentional when it comes to loving your spouse. I want to believe that there is hope that I can feel “in love” with my husband again. Thank you for giving me hope and encouragement!!!

    1. Hi Hattie. Thank you so much for taking a minute to be vulnerable and share your struggles. I am honored. Congrats on 25 years!

      There is always hope. I know sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. But I believe 100% in the power of being intentional in marriage. I believe that putting your marriage back to the top of the list can make all the difference. Take it in small steps. Little things go a long way in relationships.

      I’m always available if you need encouragement. Never hesitate to reach out.

  3. How do you carry a conversation during this time when it’s at it’s low when it’s not about the kids or finances ECT.
    I feel I try so hard to carry a conversation that goes nowhere. Does that make sense?
    I find it depends on how stressed I am in real life and how he is helping me thru it. To how I feel and respond. When he is understanding and loving and still romancing we are good. When I don’t feel that then we are not.

    1. Hi Jenn. Yes, I totally get it. It makes total sense. One thing that I have found helpful is to always look toward myself when things aren’t clicking. Recognize how you are reacting to the stress you are feeling and how that may be affecting your relationship. Husband may be feeling that stress as well and may find it difficult to support you in the way you are hoping. Be sure to tell him what you would like him to do in these times.

      With regards to conversation being at it’s low, I totally get it. I’ve been there too. Keep in mind that men and women are very different. How we communicate is different. And, unfortunately, there are going to be lulls in romance and good conversation throughout the course of any marriage. Something that I like to do to spice up conversation is to ask each other fun questions. Check out this free printable for the next time the conversation feels like it is going nowhere. http://married-and-naked.com/date-night-questions-for-married-couples/

      Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need more ideas. I’m always here to help!

  4. Hi..im going on 35yrs of marriage full of up and downs..but i can say even if all has changed and at times feel out of love..i found that my love for my hubby is different now. Sometimes i look at him take a deep breath and feel those butterflies and in my tummy not only with love but more of pride to know wow we made it this far and he chose me to make this life with.

    1. Wonderfully said Sandra. It is a beautiful gift to share your life with someone and to know that you have made it thru all the challenges that life throws at you. Thank you for sharing with me your thoughts. I’m so grateful.

  5. Beautifully written! As a wife of almost 16 years now, my husband and I have walked through some terrible times….his rehab and recovery from addictions, foster and adopting four beautiful girls, the loss of our home through a fire, the mental illness of one of my daughters….and more….and many times I struggled with how I “felt” about my husband….and I knew that the enemy could easily use those thoughts against me in breading anger and resentment….so I talked about it. I shared my thoughts with my husband and friends….we went to counseling. We weren’t afraid to say we needed some help….and God continues to restore. He continues to write His beauty into our ashes! I am so grateful for you honesty in your blog. Stand firm my sisters! Stand firm on the truth that comes from God’s Word….and allow Christ to renew….and restore….how He loves those things!

    1. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me. Congratulations on being able to stand together after all of the incredibly challenging obstacles that life has thrown at you. I love that you said,” We weren’t afraid to say we needed some help.” I’m so happy that you reached out and found it. Thank you for your candor and kindness.

  6. You should make time at least once a month to have a “date night” with your spouse. Get a sitter, perhaps the kiddos can spend the night with the grandparents or family members & if money is tight, you don’t even have to go out. Make dinner together, pick out a DVD (we alternate, one night his choice, the next time my choice) sip some wine & get cozy on the couch.

  7. What if you never had that falling in love feeling in the first place? Our courtship was so practical in terms of why I chose him… decent provider, good with my existing child that I forgot to consider how I felt about him and me TOGETHER. He is a nice guy, considerate, thoughtful, wise, balanced. He has an attractive face, but I never liked his body. He was is even more overweight now. I have not been sexually attracted to him at any point. I just tried to be intentional, as you said, about loving him because he just “worked” in terms of personality and compatibility of interests, vision for life, a good role model and step in dad. But it is 20 years later and nothing has changed. I love him, but it just seems like a gratitude for him doing a good job taking care of me and us as a family. I have done intentional things to allow for intimate time, date date, fun time, alone time. Still, no sense of really feeling romantic like one hears or sees of other couples who seem to have that genuine connection and happiness. I don’t expect it there all the time, but it just has never been there and doesn’t look like it ever will be. I regret choosing him, because I feel he deserves someone who loves him as much as he loves me and is into me. I just can’t seem to get “into” him

    1. HI Jenny,
      I’m sorry to hear of your struggle. That is a really good question. You certainly can’t make feelings appear that were never there to begin with. I’m going to post this question out to my readers and see if I can get any input for you. Thank you for your honesty. It is so helpful for people to see that they are not alone.

  8. Jenny,
    I was married for 18 years to the “wrong person” -or, somebody that I never felt “in love” with -since day one!
    I felt guilty, ashamed … this was a man that fathered 2 of my children, yet I’ve never felt “in love” with him … I don’t know your circumstances or situation but, I married as a junior in high school with the “right intentions” … they were right, however, unknown to me (at that time -looking back, 20 years later) I didn’t know, “what I know now” … I married for reasons that I would not marry for, now. Religious beliefs and reasoning, I was taught at a young age … I made the decision to divorce and I’m now remarried. Never happier. I now know what it means to be “in love” … I didn’t know that, before … (I’m not saying that your situation is the same, possibly not even similar!? But I felt like I should share what I was feeling after reading the comments on this post. I never, EVER comment on anyone’s blog, ever. I felt the need to reach out to anybody that feels they are “alone” … I very much understand what you’re saying from reading this. Our circumstances may be the same or very different … I don’t know. But, I do know, I didn’t know what it felt like to be “in love” until I was in my 30’s … but, I’m so happy that I know now! Life is beautiful!

    1. Thank you so much for taking time to give your input. I’m so very glad that you did. You had such great information to offer. It is so true that as we get older, we become more wise. We understand more about love and life. I’m so happy that you were able to find someone who made you feel “in love”. I’m so glad that you were able to create your path to happiness. Thank you for your input. It offers such hope.

  9. I appreciate this article and your ministry towards marriage! I’ve found some great ideas thru your posts and emails to be intentional and have fun (like doing your sexy card night for hubbys bday…so fun and lots of good laughs) but here is my dilemma…it’s all laces with some pain and tenderness because it always feels “on me” to set the mood and create the intention. He’s receptive and always enjoys my ideasvwhich is great but it seems like if I’m not being intentional the relationship goes dry. Married 6 years now and it DOES ebb and flow as you speak of and …for sure. More challenging in our season of 3 children under 3 ? But it’s always felt up to me to say “hey it’s been 6 weeks since we’ve had a date” or a couple weeks since we were intimate…. I started our marriage being excited to be creative and create that fun marriage but somewhere along the line I started being hurt and holding a grudge about it. Maybe now being a mommy and giving so much… just wanting to see someone notice and pursue ME. I have communicated this desire but it just never seems to pan out. Any suggestions or help? I don’t want to be a better buddy but I feel myself growing more cold. I also don’t want to always feel like I have to “create the feeling “it feels kind of one-sided and fake?? I dunno that was long sorry.

    1. Hi Jlynn! Thank you for taking the time and commenting. I appreciate so much you sharing with us what you are feeling and experiencing in your marriage. I can’t imagine the challenge that comes from having 3 children under 3 years old. Sheesh! That sounds exhausting. I have two kids but they are 5 years apart so I have never experienced what it is like to have several little ones at the same time. My two are challenging enough 🙂

      I can relate so much to everything you have said. I remember, especially when the kids were younger, feeling exactly the same way. I felt that I did everything (took care of him, the house, the kids, worked, and still tried to work on the marriage). I didn’t feel that the effort was even. I felt that I had to initiate everything too. And I began to feel bitter. Very bitter. Husband and I got to a place where neither of us were happy and I was fearful for the future of our marriage. And these reasons were much of the cause.

      Here is what I will say to you; Firstly don’t let the bitterness continue on. Bitterness is very unhealthy in a relationship. Trust me, I know from experience. It won’t lead anywhere good.

      The key for my husband and I was, and still is, endless communication. I would recommend scheduling a “meeting” with your husband, just as you would a business. Get a sitter or schedule it when the kids go to sleep. Leave all defensiveness, bitterness, and finger pointing at the door and really talk about what is working and what you each would like to improve on in your relationship. Talk about each of your expectations.

      My guess is that he is feeling similar things as you, but might have a more difficult time expressing his feelings. I know that when my husband and I really talked, I was surprised that he was having a lot of emotions and fears about life and our relationship that I had no idea he was feeling. He was feeling undesired and unappreciated too.

      Schedule these “meetings” monthly. The key is, don’t try to fix it all at once. Really listen to each others desires and start with small changes to help meet each others needs. Then, at the next “meeting” talk about how things are going. What’s working, what’s not. Action steps for the new month.

      Marriage is work. Sometimes blissful and sometimes hard. But the hard work is what reaps the biggest rewards.

      There are so many other things that I would recommend, but that is a good start. I would love to hear more about you and hear your husbands thoughts on the matter. Feel free to share more or ask questions.

      Wishing you and your marriage all the best.

  10. I married my husband after 7 years of dating. He doea not trust me. It soeant matter what i do, i have never cheated on him. I have always been a good partner. He has done so many wrong things to break my trust on him but i remained by him. I sometimes dont feel inlove with him especially after we fight about him not trusting me. Im worried this marriage is not going to last. I feel like i should not have married him. Is that even normal to feel once married to a guy you loved sooo much. His family supports me a lot. I feel so alone. I want to go to marriage councelling but i have this attitude that it wont even help. I know im wrong about thinking that way. I always ask myself why does marriage have to be so hard and full of unhappiness. I have been married for 1 year and it feels so exhausting already. Please help this sad exhausted wife

    1. HI Dolly, Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and share what is happening. That takes so much courage. You should feel really proud of yourself for reaching out.

      I’m not a counselor. I’m just a wife who has experienced 18years of marriage and has learned endless lessons from that.

      Here is what I know for sure. You can’t change somebody. The only person you can work on is yourself. My guess is that he has always had trust issues. I imagine it is not something new. You won’t be able to fix those issues yourself. That is going to have to come from work that he does. We all have our own challenges and fears that we need to work on. It sounds as though it is difficult for you to trust him as well.

      Trust is an essential part of a relationship. If there is no trust then happiness and love will struggle to rise above.

      It sounds like counseling would be a great option for you and your husband. Especially if he is willing to go and wants to work on the marriage. I would highly recommend giving it a shot. It is a great opportunity to work on personal stuff as well as marriage.

      I will say that my first year of marriage was really hard. It was not, at all, what I thought it was going to be. But as time passed, and we began putting in the work, we got better.

      Head to Yelp or ask friends and family for referrals to a counselor. Let me know what happens. Wishing you the very best!

  11. Thanks this was very helpful bt still what will you do when the only person that ever made you feel loved is the same person that brought tears in your eyes. Made you feel alone when you needed him the most..made you go through the pain that was not yours..the person used to be your best friend and then your husband. .what will you do then..

    1. HI Ankita, I’m sorry you are hurting. I know that relationships can be difficult and painful at times. I don’t know the details of your situation, so it is difficult to offer advice. I would say though, that seeking outside help, such as counseling, can often be the solution that people are looking for. Finding someone who can offer a sympathetic ear and guidance to you as a couple or to you as an individual can often be incredibly helpful. Reach out to family friends or services like Yelp for a referral.

      1. I want to save my marriage but what do you do when the person you most loved and trusted is the person who has betrayed you several times and says that he cares for you but is no longer in love with you. I trusted my husband explicitly and never suspected he was being unfaithful.
        He says he wants to try to save our marriage but never follows up with action and while I have forgiven him, i do not trust him I do not trust him at all.
        Can there be any hope in this situation?

        1. I’m so sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage. Trust is one of the most essential parts of a happy marriage. I feel that when there are issues with infidelity the best step is to seek a counselor to help work thru the infidelity and trust issues. If he truly wants to save your marriage then he should be willing to go to counseling with you.

  12. I cant agree with your article. You kind of come off like its in my own control. Its not. I make him my priority and my all and get nothing in return. Im tired of it. I make a big deal out of his birthday, make him dinner, make him feel special…maybe Id feel more in love if he’d show me the same appreciation. He doesnt even tell me where hes going or what time he willbe home anymore and thinks its okay. Or says ‘sorry’ and does it again the next day.

    1. You make a great point. I’m sorry you are hurting and facing such challenges in your marriage. This article is definitely not aimed at the wife who is not treated well or is disrespected by her spouse. That is a whole other topic. If you are feeling mistreated and disrespected and you don’t feel your concerns are being heard, I would recommend seeking outside help. A marriage counselor can be a great tool in helping you and your spouse find your way back to love again.

    2. Have u ever heard of the 5 love languages.? Doing things for him is probably your love language but u need to figure out what his is This can and will change your marriage

  13. Thank you so much. You have encouraged me so much eapecially with councelling. I will give it a go. I really want our marriage to work and i feel better knowing that i have shared this experience and challenge i have right now. To everyone else experiencing challenges i wish you all the best and trying to make things work. Its not easy but after reading this i feel so much better. Thank you so much ?

  14. Been married 21 yrs this May. Our marriage has gone thru many trials. Alcoholism, death of a child, financial problems now Im care giver to my 81 yr
    Old parent’s. I do everything. We have 2 sons 14 an 19. The 19 is very lazy. No job yet. Graduated in May 2016. No ambition. No real relationship with my husaband. Its like the last 5 yrs he has just checked out. Does nothing really with the boys but work . Iv got depression and anxiety brought on in 20q4. Menopause. Im 48. He’s 53. He is a carpenter/contractor. I know he work hard when he does work but last 3 yrs have struggle after struggle. No paychecks. I dont work. I pickup our 14 yr old. No 3rd car. My parent’s are getting to me. I love them dearly an im alone caring for them. My sister does not help. Its almost like care giver burnout. They just moved into a retirement home from their home. Took months to clean about 3/4 out an off prop. We are VERY TIRED . No family vaca in 5 yrs. No money nor time. No sex in a yr. No desire on either part. Yes, im on meds. Diff ones. Keep having probs them. But Im trying to help myself. Everytime I suggest something Im meeat with defensiveness. We argue ALOT. Im about ready to leave with our youngest son. My husband seems to let 19 yr old get away with pot smoking occasionally an cigg smoke an stayin out twice all night but get all over my youngest for not hurrying in shower! Ticks me off! He does about twice a week drink 4 beers. Almost like ignoring the fact he cant provide for us. Im fixin to get a job but hard since I take care of my parent’s. Take to appts, get rx’s, fill pill boxes, etc. Our youngest have Dyslexia an needs help alot. An the meds make me feel awful. I just want to lay in bed. Its not fair. An resentful toward my sister. Sorry but its bad!
    Thanks, lynn

    1. It sounds like you are going thru a very difficult time. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your child and of the other challenges you are facing. I can only imagine the stress that all of this has put on your relationship. When things reach the point of wanting to leave I strongly recommend seeking the guidance of a counselor. Even if it is just you who is going. Sometimes just having someone to vent to can help you find the support and direction that you are needing.

  15. Very encouraging. Wish my ex-wife read this before falling for another man thinking that he will give her the happiness.

    I hope that someday that she come to realisation that without the intention as you shared…she will soon find that she is caught up in the same situation.

    1. I’m sorry to hear that happened to your marriage. That must be very difficult. It is true that you often carry with you the same issues from one relationship to the next. I hope that you have been able to move on and find happiness in your own relationships.

  16. I happened to come across your article through a pin on Pinterest. I have been with my husband since I was in high school, 15 years old. At 15 years old Iade decisions that impact my life 21 years later. I married him because we were best friends, and I demanded from myself the stability that my family life growing up did not provide to me. But I loved him like a friend, without the passion and adoration I didn’t know was possible. Three children later we’ve been through addiction on his part, negligence with his health that majorly affected our sex life (disregard), lack of communication, inability to take care of the household/children while I am primary breadwinner, and lack of overall intimacy, emotional support and gratitude, and love. After too many years of apathy I shut down and became apathetic. I finally decided that I deserved to he loved and to have that connection, that passion. We’ve been through counseling he requested but nothing helps that empty feeling and lack of any emotion I have anymore. I am through, and he is having a hard time understanding. I need connection, passion, a man who can take care of himself (emotionally), and take care of me occasionally. I am tiree of doing everything for everyone. I have filed for divorce and feel enormously guilty for ruining his life and affecting the kids. What “Once Married” said resonates. I have one life, and I am ready to be in love. I won’t go as far as to say I want to find my soulmate because I feel like thats shallow, but I want to feel love and attraction and know that it’s reciprocated. I could continue to live this life and act “as if” but who am I fooling? Sometimes it’s true, sometimes the love wasn’t there, or it is irreparable. 🙁

    I would love to be in touch with others in my situation.

  17. I have been married almost 29 years. And with very many ups and downs. He doesn’t express his feelings much at all. He is verbally abusive to me. I have felt disconnected from him for years. He will not go to counseling. I have been to counseling myself. I was told to leave him by all 3 counselors. I had severe depression which I did start taking medicine for. I feel excluded from his world is the way I describe it. Why be married and live like this? Especially when he will not do anything to change. I have talked to him about things and he blames the problems on me. I do think that there’s situations where people shouldn’t be together. People stay together because it’s wrong to divorce,but are they happy staying in the situation? Its extremely hard to be the only one trying to work out your marriage.

    1. HI Matty. This article was not intended for a relationship that was abusive. It was intended for the couple who loves each other but doesn’t feel in love at the moment. My hope was to reassure them that this is a normal feeling and that there is hope.

      I totally agree that there are certain situations where couples should not be together. Most certainly in any abusive situations. My hope is that you do what is best for you at this time. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story!

  18. Wow Tammy, this is really straightforward and very true. Reading this from someone who shared on FB and just really caught my attention. It’s not that I’m no longer in love with my wife but all you said is true and eventually will happen once or twice in our married life. Upon reading it, why there’s guilt inside me, thinking that I don’t make her happy because of many priorities (kids, work, finances, etc.) but I can still make her laugh and smile most of the time..

    But most of all, thank you for sharing this piece of enlightenment and you’re giving me an idea to make our marriage our priority. This is heartfelt.. Thank you! ?

    1. HI Lenard, I’m so happy to hear that it caught your attention. We all struggle with this at times. Life is so busy and so full that it is easy to let our marriage fall on the priority list. I’m so happy to hear that you found inspiration to put your marriage back up on the list 🙂 That is wonderful! Thank you for sharing with me. I am touched by your honesty.

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