It is funny how life works.
After my first post earlier this week, I felt elated. First of all, as many of you know, taking the first step is the hardest.
I have always loved to write. But, as many people do, I have never done anything about it. I can make a million excuses as to why I don’t pursue it. “I don’t have the time,” “I am not educated in creative writing,” “Getting an agent is too hard,” “Getting published is near impossible.” Excuse after excuse. I have a children’s book that I wrote, that sits on my computer. Never sent out for anyone to look at it. Fear of judgement, never really admitted til just now.
Putting yourself out there is hard. But, my marriage has inspired me to stop making excuses. It is time to step up and take charge of my life. We are individuals, each with our own experiences. We have so much to offer each other and to learn from each other.
Two things happened after I placed my first post that reminded me why I started this blog in the first place. First of all, the night after my first post, I had a dream. A dream about my marriage.
I dreamt that another woman wanted my husband (who wouldn’t, really.) Specifically, that other woman was my husband’s, one and only, love before me. His 9th grade sweetheart. She told me that she wanted him back. For some reason, in my dream, I decided that I wanted her to be happy and I wondered if maybe my husband would be happier with her, so I let him go. Just sitting here writing that, my chest constricts. The dream felt so real. For whatever reason, he did not argue with me. He just went to her. How could he do that?
The second he left, I knew I had made a mistake. A horrible mistake, but it was too late.
That is when I woke up, gasping for breath, feeling like I had been crying for hours. You know how some dreams can just drain you?
When I woke up all I could think (after I realized that I can’t kick my husbands ass for something he did in a dream) was that my marriage is worth fighting for. It is not something I would ever give up on so easily. It deserves the fight. My husband deserves for me to fight for him. I deserve to fight to be happy. I felt gratitude that morning for my husband. For love.
The second thing happened yesterday. When I went to check Facebook, I noticed an old high school friend had tagged me in a photo that she posted of the senior yearbook picture under “Most Likely To Get Married”. There I was with, my now, husband looking so young and happy and in love. What is really weird is that she did not know anything about this new blog of mine called “Most Likely to Marry.” It felt like a nod from the universe, to keep doing what you are doing. Share what you know. Maybe it can help someone else.
It also made me think back to high school. To young love. To making out in the hallway and not caring who saw. To feeling like forever would be easy. To not worrying about anything other than what to do Friday night. To seeing “happily ever after” as a given. It also reminded me once again, how amazing it is that I have been with my husband for as long as I have, and that I still get giddy when he walks into a room. That my breath can still be taken away from his kiss. That I feel gratitude every morning for the man laying beside me.
I am reminded that I can still have the passion that I had at 17. I just have to work a little (ok, a lot) harder at it.
I am reminded this week, that love is worth it. That marriage is worth it. That it is hard, wonderful, devastating, incredible, overwhelming, boring, exciting all wrapped up and ohhh so worth it.
I am recommitted this week to putting my marriage first. To staying in love.
Here is to high school!